There’s No Place More Pathetic than Seattle

El Gato Grande Makes Final Pitch for Cy

Better Luck Next Year

Will it matter if Felix wins or loses today? Probably not, because Seattle is so far from the epicenter of American sports that we’re lucky to have a team at all. One day we’ll look back on the great career of Hernandez and compare him to Griffey, A-Rod, Randy Johnson, Tino Martinez and other Seattle heroes that have moved on to find championships and glory in cities that matter.

For us, we’ll always be the ‘Pesto of Cities’ with our claim to greats like Steve Largent, but always one step short of the door. We’re like the Roxbury Boys, a bouncer always standing between us and our goal of getting in. “Remember us, we’re Seattle?” Never heard of you. “We won the NBA Championships in 1979, but our team moved to greener pastured in Oklahoma,” (Literally!). Oh, now I remember, you’re still not on the list.

We’ll always boast that our Seahawks are the only team in Super Bowl History to outplay their opponents and still lose. As we claw our way back to relevance, the only thing the nation notes of us, is our neon-green uniforms and our broken ribs. Our best hope is always next year.

And what should we think of next year? Two first round draft picks for the Seahawks? A Mariner pitching staff that creams opponents but a line-up that can’t hit? The problem is our GM’s always do the wrong thing. The Seahawks build a small quick defense that relies on speed and smarts. But is that the kind of defense that wins championships? No, a defense needs to be big and punishing, they need to overpower opponents and break their spirit.

Oddly enough, we have this same problem in baseball. Our starting rotation and bullpen next year could be one of the best in the game, but how will we score runs? Look at the Yankees, how do they win? It sure as hell isn’t pitching and defense. It’s offense. Offense needs to destroy opponent’s pitching and defense. Ours wilts. Those of you outside Seattle will nary recognize a name, but with a starting five of Hernandez, Fister, Morrow, Rowland-Smith, and Vargas next year, the M’s will be in a position to win every game. With White, Lowe and Aardsma, they’ll be almost invincible after the 7th. However, our infield line-up of Carp, Lopez, Wilson, Beltre and Johnson is likely to drive-in fewer runs than my grandmother.

Sure, we fans will grant Griffey a lifetime exemption at DH, but what about the others? Junior will drop another 20, anyone else? Baseball is the simplest sport to figure out, and yet the Mariner front office always takes the opposite approach. Get a line-up of .300 hitters and swing for the fences. If Jackie Z doesn’t do everything in his power to achieve that this winter, then sit back and enjoy watching our pitchers next year, because in time, every one of them will be gone. Felix first.

Once More on ‘The Rules’

Writing as Art vs Professional Writing

 

We know there are many unwritten rules to handcuff the writer, and it’s easy to confuse when and where these rules should be obeyed or broken. For professional writers in business or journalism, there are the obvious cases that must be satisfied. However, for the writer of fiction, the rules should be torched and never revisited.

 

In the latest edition of Writers Ask, (#45, Fall 2009, Glimmer Train Press) Shauna Singh Baldwin quotes a character from her novel, THE TIGER CLAW:

 

“An Artist cannot wait for permission, but must seize it.”

 

What better way to address the rules in fiction, because aren’t rules really about permission to write a certain way? The novelist has a responsibility to write as though no rules exist or ever did. A vacuum of self serving expression that cares nothing for screenplay, TV or structure must envelop the artist in a cocoon to shield them from the onslaught of language, grammar and convention. Without this, artistic expression is washed away and we’re left with the watered down milk toast that permeates pop culture.

 

To seize means to take by force, in defiance of protocol. Without this defiance, there is no art.

Church of the NFL

Seahawks Open the Road to Miami Sunday

Steelers Host Communion Tonight

Sometimes people ask me what my religion is, and although my Grandma Emily would say Catholic, I’ve always felt it was the NFL. Football is the perfect religion because it primarily takes place on Sundays, spring and summers are off, and our hallowed post season begins just after Christmas.

The best thing about it is, God doesn’t care who wins, and we know this because if he did, the Cowboys would have already won every Super Bowl. Some might say that he favors the Steelers, and most Seattle fans would agree, but for a few corrupt officials, God lets the game decide itself between the lines.

And of course with any religion, there are prophets. The prophets this year claim to have a tight grip on the AFC, while most think the NFC is wide open. Why? Because their focus is wrongly placed on the Eastern Division when 4 out of the last 10 NFC Champions have come from only one division, the West. Overlooking the West causes unique problems this year, because the team with the largest travel disparity here in Seattle, is apt to win a first round bye if not homefield advantage.

Some years, the homefield advantage is not a deciding playoff factor. But when a team from the West holds court, rarely are the East or South divisions able to overcome it. Case in point, last year’s Eagles falling short in Arizona.

The Seahawks have dominated this division for the better part of a decade, and the one year they fall flat to Receiver injuries, their snot-nosed little brother the Cardinals almost win the Super Bowl. But those problems are gone now, Hasselbeck only a few short seasons ago guided the #1 Offense in the NFC, and with TJ, Deion and The Edge, he’s got the weapons to do it again. Despite the criticism, his front line is actually doing the job and only looks to get better when Big Walt and Spencer return. And as for the D-Hawks, don’t be surprised if Mora uses an 11 man front. They are poised to win the sack title this year, and if they even come close, expect a few surprising road wins early on.

With this as a backdrop, is there any reason the Seahawks don’t hold serve at home and sweep their division? If the do, as they have done in the past, who will hold homefield advantage in the NFC with a first round bye? What is the record of opponents at Qwest field in the playoffs? What is the Giants record at Qwest? The Cowboys? The Eagles? The Redskins? The Bears? Anybody else?

Get ready for the Road to Miami, Hasselbeck’s driving and Tatupu’s checking tickets at the gate. If you want on this bus, you’d better be wearing number 12.

 

Phrophecies:

 

NFC West: Seattle Seahawks

NFC North: Minnesota Vikings

NFC South: New Orleans Saints

NFC East: New York Giants

NFC Wildcards: Washington Redskins and Green Bay Packers

 

AFC West: San Diego Chargers

AFC North: Pittsburgh Steelers

AFC South: Tennessee Titans

AFC East: New England Patriots

AFC Wildcards: Baltimore Ravens and Indianapolis Colts

Unwritten Rules in Fiction Workshops

Too many English majors and too many English professors ruin writing, especially the novel. The novel is an art form outside of mere language, beyond the comprehension of grammar, and in another realm from writing. It is about storytelling and prose, not writing. Writers work for magazines and newspapers and I can’t think of many that go on to write beautiful literature, they are two different skill sets.

The novel as an art form isn’t about following a formula that ends each chapter with a hook, or drama, or suspense, although they all have their place. It is about creating beauty with words, exposing ugliness, and raising questions rather than delivering answers.

If you looked at a list of Nobel Prize winning novelists, I doubt you’d find more English professors than any other background, I don’t think one has anything to do with the other. Unfortunately however, the world of English profs think they’re the only one’s qualified to teach the art of writing novels. I guess Woody Allen said it best, ‘Those who can’t do teach, and those who can’t teach, teach gym.’

When I get a crit that gives me no more insight than Elmore Leonard’s 10 rules, I ignore it, because I already know the rules and I didn’t care about them when I started, so why should I care about them now? I love it when a critter catches a typo, because God knows we all make them, but I want to know how the material strikes them, not if I broke a rule. I think people know that is how I crit their work, I crit from my gut. Like the moral philosopher Robert C. Solomon said, justice doesn’t come from due process or objective examination, it comes from the gut. When I read something I know how it makes me feel, and at that moment I think I might know what would make it better. I try not to candy coat it.

Mariner Update: Pennant Race Edition

El Gato Grande Finally Getting Look at Cy Young

 

While the Mariners are mathematically alive, they’re officially done and talk in Seattle has turned to the undefeated Seahawks.

 

With Saturday’s final cut-down looming, the Hawks depth at running back has turned into a surprisingly positive element. Although it took until the 4^th preseason game and the 4^th string running back to score their first rushing touchdown, the addition of The Edge and the development of Forsett and Moore shines hope on what began as a weakness.

 

Though don’t expect the lack of rushing touchdowns to bother Offensive Coordinator Greg Knapp. QB’s combined for 10 TD’s through the air leaving little opportunity for a rushing game to get within the 20. More importantly, the Hawks finish the preseason ahead of their opponents in every category that might actually mean something before the wins and loses begin to matter.

 

On Offense, the Hawks gained more First Downs than their opponents, gained more Rushing Yards, more Passing Yards, more TD’s, more FG’s and won the all important Time of Possession, keeping the ball an average of 31:11 against their opponents 28:49.

 

From a defensive perspective these signs are also encouraging, but the real yardstick of how a defense affects the game can be found in other measurables. Not only did the D-Hawks win the takeaway battle in each game to finish with a +8 ratio, they won the sack stat too. The offense held sacks to a stingy 5 over the 4 games while the defense pounded opponents for 16. If they can keep this 4 sack average throughout the regular season and maintain a positive takeaway ratio there’ll be very little keeping them from regaining their NFC West dominance.

M’s Beat Halladay on Trade Day

Snap 2 of 3 from the Jaws of Jays

The Jack Wilson Terrier Ready for the Heat

What the Mariners need now is a new kind of winning streak. With Garret Olsen up for the start, he takes his three scoreless innings against the Ranger bats to the House of Nolan. Leaving records behind in Seattle, they’ll throw Vargas, Hernandez and Washburn to the Sun before air dropping in KC. Win or lose they’re coming home with a tan.

Never Looks so Good, or Feels so Bad

M’s Swept 31-6 at the Safe in 3 Games with the Tribe

 

Seattle Sports Media Screaming for Club to Sell

 

Bedard to the DL

 

With the trade deadline looming this week, Mariner fans are jumping ship like rats in a fire. With a record of 51-47 though, is there any reason to panic? Certainly the M’s offense showed a sever lack of pop on a weekend in which Seattle’s salt air had more lift than the Spruce Goose. Yet, isn’t that something we’ve known all along?

 

Nothing’s really changed from this weekend. The M’s have been rolling out a line-up of Ichiro, Gutierrez and 6 guys from Tacoma for the better half of this season. In doing so, they’ve improve their lot over these last five years dramatically. In fact, they are in no worse shape now than if they had turned the tables and swept the Indians instead. In either case, they would be trailing the Angels by a handful of games. The M’s have an opportunity right now to keep themselves in contention and settle the AL West in September, when it’s supposed to get settled.

 

Nobody ever won or lost a division in July, and the M’s won’t do it now either, unless they give up. Popular opinion says it’s time to sell Branyan and Washburn while their stock is high. These Shoes however, say to hold steady and don’t flinch. The greatest success comes from the ashes of disaster and the M’s need only do what we’ve been asking of them all along, add a couple of bats and keep fighting. This thing isn’t over yet.

500 on the Road

M’s Visiting Record at 26-26 After Taking 2 of 3 from Tigers

So much for all the talk about the West being the weakest division in the AL. The lowly Seattle Mariners at third place have a 500 or better record against every team they’ve played in the AL East and Central with the exception of KC and NY and Chicago, each of which they have only played on the road. At 51-44, they would have a full 1 game lead over Detroit and Chicago in the Central.

For ever and a day us left coasters have had to listen ad nauseam to early season prognosticators talk about how weak the West is. And not just in Baseball, we get the same thing out here with our Seahawks too. How many teams from the NFC West have been to the Super Bowl in the last 10 years? And now how many from the so called dominant NFC East?

At 9-1 in their last 10 games, the Angels are heating up in a hurry and they don’t care who gets in their way. The Yankees, the Red Sox, so what? For all the talk about big markets and big budgets, neither team could get past the Rays last year. One thing is becoming evident as August looms, each AL division has three contenders fighting for a Pennant, and whatever happens it’s going to be a blast. Like most summers though, pitching depth will win out.

Branyan Launches Felix a Win

El Gato Grande K’s 8 in 7

 

Paul Bunyan Tied for AL Homer Lead

 

Skip work if you’re in Seattle, Jarrod Washburn takes his new and improved butt twist to the mound in Detroit today for a chance to win the series. In the top five among AL pitchers for ERA, Washburn may finally be maturing mentally and mechanically with his craft. Like Jamie Moyer and others that have found their game late, Washburn is proving that you don’t have to a young, hot prospect to light up the strike zone.

 

Look for Gutierrez in centerfield this morning. Getting him back on the horse at the scene of the crime is the best thing possible. He needs to see that scoreboard up close and personal again to assure us all that there won’t be any side effects from Tuesday night’s crash. With Detroit’s pitching and balanced offense, don’t be surprised if the road to the ALCS runs through the Motor City this October.

Fascinating Alfredo

the collective unconscious…

 

Fascinating Alfredo. The Earth may ultimately serve as our collectivity. But the question is how. How. How? How! How did we become collective? What is the link, where is the chain? Who did this to us? Why did it happen this way? Is there a way we can change? Does it matter? When did it all begin?